I dont know if I can forgive you for not only the past few months, but things over the whole relationship. I think what is bothering me the most right now is you havent given me any sincere apology for what you’ve done and instead you bring up my actions that were a response to your actions over a long period of time. You didnt just do something once and I reacted, not even twice or three times. You did them over and over again, you did them after I told you it bothered me, you did them after I yelled at you, you did them after I threatened to leave, without even a second thought you continued, you didnt care at all. And then when I reacted, when I let you push me too far that I lost control and lost myself, you happily bring it up to defend yourself as if we were equal in our actions. As if I didnt let you walk all over me, yell at me, mistreat me, call me names, use my darkest secrets against me, and I accepted that treatment for a very long time before I started to yell at you back, before I started to use your darkness against you too, before I started treating you the same back. You forget that I sat at home waiting for you all day, every day, and when you finally wander home and I’m upset you told me you didnt want to be home because I did not create a welcoming environment for you. You are hurt now but I’ve been hurting for so long and you wont even acknowledge it. How could I forgive you for thigns that you dont even want to be forgiven for? How could I forgive you for thigns that you wont even admit that you did? Or that you make excuses for? I have been hurting for a very long time. And when I couldnt keep it down anymore and when I started to act out, you used that as an excuse to continue doing what you’ve been doing.
When I was at my low points, when I was in a black hole and when I felt the most lonely, you walked away from me. You left me every single time I had a bad day, every single time I was upset or hurt, you left me where I was and you went and did what you wanted. When I needed you most you left the longest. ANd you said you dont have to ‘put up with my shit’.
greyson coming into the picture made everything worse. I’m not going to argue with you about what you think you did or did not do. It wasnt enough. Obviously it wasnt enough.
Even if I forgive everything. You being an absent wife and mother, your anger, your bitterness, your extreme reactions and being intentionally hurtful… that house is not mine anymore. i dont want to go back. I will always love you and I dont hate you, I really dont. But I dont think you could possibly understand the pain you have put me through over years. I was prepared to give you all of me, all of my time, everything that was mine to give, it was yours and it was yours forever. I wanted a life with you, so badly, I couldnt wait to be your partner and walk the rest of my life with you by my side.
BUt thats the thing with you. You dont know how to be a partner, not with me. You’ve chosen your friends too many times. You’ve chosen yourself too many times. You have left me crying at home too many times.
I was good to you for a long time before I started to turn. And I did, I wronged you, I wont deny it. But I was so good to you and you took advantage of it, you didnt care. I didnt yell at you in the beginning, I never said anything to hurt you, I was supportive of you always even when you werent nice. I know you dont remember that becasue you never remember the good, only the bad. I let you turn me into somebody taht I’m not. Somebody that I’m not proud of. Somebody I dont ever want to be again.
But I dont know if our problems can even be fixed. When it comes down to it….I will never be ok with the thigns you are doing now. Especially now that we have Greyson and things have to be about him but you still make them about you. I’m not ok with living with your parents. I’m not ok with your dog. I’m not ok with the amount of time you put into the gym, I’m not ok with the amount of time you spend with your friends. I never will be it will never work, and youve made it clear that you will make no changes to your life and I should either accept it or leave.
I cant accept it. I wont accept it. Family is my priority and your priority is everything but. Its work, deploying, training, gym, friends, things that were never this important to you before. But youre not the same Syd. You arent the girl that always wanted me to hang out with you. You arent the girl that grabs my hand in the parking lot anymore, you arent the girl that told your friends no without me even knowing because you wanted to be with me even if we were doing nothing. Hell, you dont even want to be touched anymore.
At one point, you were willing to do anything for your family. You literally agreed to have a baby and now I realize that will never, ever happen. That is not you. Youre not that person. You’ve saidi the words before “Its something I have to do for my family.” And since then, our priorities have changed and Greyson came into our lives and changed everything. So the things you have to do are nowhere near as extreme, but this isnt what you want. Taking care of a baby 24/7 is not something you want to do, Its not somethign I think you eve know how to do. For weeks I didnt do anything becuase we had Greyson. But even when Greyson came home, you still went out with your friends and when your parents came it just turned into an every day thing. You only needed me when you were hurt. You were physically unable to be with ‘the guys’ and THATS when you wanted to be in the bed with me all day, when you wanted my attention, when you wanted me to lvoe on you. The moment you were better you flew out the door and here we are ¾ months later and you still havent come back.
I’ve been replaced. I was replaced a long time ago I just didnt realize it. Your friedns I think were teh last straw. You want your juan, have him. I told you already, you cant have both and you made your choice.
And whatever your repsonse is… like “I assume” or whatever.
Then talk to me and tell me. Communicate with me. But you dont want to. “talking is stupid”. And I’m not going to explain to you my feelings while you roll your eyes at me ever agan. I will never be reduced to ‘bitchy female’ by anybody every again.
